The 28th Annual April Fools’ Day Parade will begin at Fifth Avenue and 59th Street at 12 noon, Sunday, April 1, 2012. Rain or shine, the parade will march down Fifth Avenue to Washington Square Park for the climactic selection of the King or Queen of Fools from the costumed marching look-alikes.
The New York April Fools’ Day Parade was created in 1986 to remedy a glaring omission in the long list of New York’s ethnic and holiday parades. These events fail to recognize the importance of April 1st, the day designated to commemorate the folly of mankind. In an attempt to bridge this gap and bring people back in touch with their inherent foolishness, the parade annually crowns a King or Queen of Fools from parading look-alikes.
The theme for this year’s parade is “Forget the Big Bang Theory, Let’s Just Go Out With a Big Bang.” The parade blasts off with John Lee Hooker’s hit “Boom Boom Boom Boom.” Grand Marshall Gen. David Petraeus plays lead kazoo with the Up Your Wazoo Marching Band and is joined by N. Korean, Russian, Syrian, Iranian, Israeli and Chinese military processions showing off their big-bang bombs.
Setting the pace for the floats will be Lance Armstrong and his U.S. Postal Service Pro Cycling Team, which will be much slower this year as the team is no longer using performance enhancing drugs. The first float will be the Room Temperature IQ float featuring medical doctor, Rep. Paul Collins Broun, Jr. (R-GA), who says that evolution, embryology and the Big Bang Theory are “lies straight from the pit of Hell;” Arkansas Republican State Legislator John Hubbard, who believes slavery “may actually have been a blessing in disguise” for blacks; Arkansas legislative candidate Charlie Fuqua, who wants to deport all Muslims and establish the death penalty for rebellious children; Televangelist Pat Robertson, who encourages men to become Muslim and relocate to Saudi Arabia so they can legally beat their wives; and Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) who believes “the more you drink, the better you’re able to cope in Washington.” Demand to be on this float was so great this year that participation had to be limited. Next up is the Boy-Scout-Pedophile-Troup-Leaders-Against-Homosexuality protest float, followed by the Zumba Brothel Dance float featuring Alexus Wright and her johns, the GOP sponsored Clint Eastwood Empty Chair float, and the Viagra sponsored Hugh Hefner Marriage float.
Trojan Pleasure Carts will weave through the crowd handing out 10,000 vibrating sex toys. Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Vendors will follow in their footsteps handing out eye glasses that blur vision so attendees won’t have to look at anything they consider immodest.
The marching celebrity look-alikes will include John Sununu and Lil Wayne spewing racial slurs; former AIG CEO Hank Greenberg threatening to sue the government for its generosity; Chuck Norris ushering in 1,000 years of darkness after Obama was re-elected; wannabe senator Geraldo Rivera pleading “Vote for me!”; and biographer Paula Broadwell scoping out anyone who appears at all interested in General Petraeus. Bringing up the rear, and making his final exit, will be the 2012 King of Fools Mitt Romney, triumphant with an overwhelming 47% of the vote from last year’s parade attendees. He’ll be followed by adoring throngs of self-deporting immigrants.
As the parade enters Washington Square Park, the festivities will begin. Food concessions will sell Pink Slime, Horsemeat and Desinewed Meat Burgers; there will be an Artificial Fiscal Cliff where patrons can line up to jump off; a booth offering Free Amish Haircuts and Shaves; a Papal Confessional booth where Pope Benedict XVI will confess to the public about predator priests, BBC presenter Jimmy Savile’s Papal Knighthood, and the Vatican butler, before his sequestration and eternal silence begins; a Demonstration of Fracking in Public Parks will show how the government plans to use wasted open spaces to support energy independence while searching for Jimmy Hoffa’s body. A Celebrity Auction booth will offer a virtual date with Manti Te’o and will sell the Reverend Jessie Jackson Jr’s personal bling collection to help pay back squandered campaign contributions. There will be a XXX Screening of Hulk Hogan having sex with his friend’s wife. And finally, an Ask-a-Scientific-Genius booth where Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-CA) will discuss his belief that dinosaur flatulence might explain historic warming patterns; Rep. Lamar Smith (R-TX), current chair of the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology, who describes environmentalists who warn about the seriousness of climate change “global warming alarmists”; Todd Akin, former Missouri GOP Representative, who believes “if it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” Volunteers will circulate waiting lists for personal surveillance drones and semi automatic assault rifles as well as petitions to make it harder for the elderly, disabled and poor to vote. At sunset, carrying on the theme of the parade, there will be a Ted Nugent Patriotic Fireworks Display.
This year’s parade will be televised by Al Jazeera with guest commentator former Florida Tea Party Congressman Allen West who will amaze the crowd with his talent as an anal ventriloquist. The public is encouraged to participate, in or out of costume, with or without floats, and may join the procession at any point along the parade route. Floats can be no wider than 10’ and no longer than 30’. They can be self-propelled, towed, pushed or pulled. Customized bicycles, tricycles, baby carriages and aerial balloons are welcome. All participants are costumed look-alikes, and the Parade Committee assumes no liability for damages caused by satire. Parade floats and marchers must be at 59th Street and Fifth Ave no later than 11:30 a.m..
We are grateful for the generous support of Goldman Sachs which wishes to express appreciation for having gotten off scot-free after ripping off the public. Other proud sponsors include the Government Services Administration (GSA) offering free champaigne and caviar throughout the park; Chick-fil-A offering free food to gay couples who refuse to patronize the anti-gay restaurant chain; Pizza Hut redeeming themselves after their misguided dare to customers to ask debating presidential candidates if they prefer sausage or pepperoni; and the international cruiseship industry hoping to entice patrons to take their new less toxic and more sanitary virtual cruises.
The King of Fools will be chosen based on the loudest cheers at Washington Square Park. The winner will reign through March 31, 2014.
Courtesy of Joey Skaggs, Committee Chair AprilFoolsDayParade.com
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True…it’s not really the first day of spring any longer. But that’s the only spring graphic I have right now. So…Happy Spring. A favorite season of re-birth, growth and joy.
This week’s Money Funny is all Do Not Call list) and lied about being asked to call back a year ago. (Are YOU on the list?) So perhaps you’ll pick up a few helpful bits of etiquette, too. I learned a lot.
In today’s IRS News, the IRS has over $917 MILLION to return to taxpayers for 2009. If you haven’t filed yet – here’s how to get your money. Then there are those confusing and sometimes contradictory rules when your children have investment income. IRS explains. There’s some vague, but good news from the IRS. They are waiving late payment penalties for folks who couldn’t compute their tax returns (or file them) on time because the forms were not available until February or March. You’ll need to dig a little for the details. But, do remember to ask for penalties to be waived if you have filed, and get any penalties.
MarketWatch columns now and recently, cover the following topics to help you. This week will be all about how to minimize your capital gains taxes – and how to figure out your basis. The last few weeks cover: Crunch Time Tax To Do List Filing your taxes? 7 things to check first Is it better to buy or rent a home?
The full 2013/14 TaxMama Tax Calendar is up – enjoy!
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WASHINGTON —The Internal Revenue Service today provided late-payment penalty relief to individuals and businesses requesting a tax-filing extension because they are attaching to their returns any of the forms that couldn’t be filed until after January.
The relief applies to the late-payment penalty, normally 0.5 percent per month, charged on tax payments made after the regular filing deadline. This relief applies to any of the forms delayed until February or March, primarily due to the January enactment of the American Taxpayer Relief Act.
Taxpayers using forms claiming such tax benefits as depreciation deductions and a variety of business credits qualify for this relief. A complete list of eligible forms can be found in Notice 2013-24, posted today on IRS.gov.
Individuals and businesses qualify for this relief if they properly request an extension to file their 2012 returns. Eligible taxpayers need not make any special notation on their extension request, but as usual, they must properly estimate their expected tax liability and pay the estimated amount by the original due date of the return.
The return must be filed and payment for any additional amount due must be made by the extended due date. Interest still applies to any tax payment made after the original deadline.
Further details on this relief, including instructions for responding to penalty notices, is available in Notice 2013-24.
Courtesy of the IRS
Some children receive investment income and are required to file a federal tax return. If a child cannot file his or her own tax return for any reason, such as age, the child’s parent or guardian is responsible for filing a return on the child’s behalf.
There are special tax rules that affect how parents report a child’s investment income. Some parents can include their child’s investment income on their tax return. Other children may have to file their own tax return.
Here are four facts from the IRS about the taxability of your child’s investment income.
1. Investment income normally includes interest, dividends, capital gains and other unearned income, such as from a trust.
2. Special rules apply if your child’s total investment income is more than $1,900. The parent’s tax rate may apply to part of that income instead of the child’s tax rate.
3. If your child’s total interest and dividend income is less than $9,500, you may be able to include the income on your tax return. See Form 8814, Parents’ Election to Report Child’s Interest and Dividends. If you make this choice, the child does not file a return.
4. Your child must file their own tax return if they received investment income of $9,500 or more. File Form 8615, Tax for Certain Children Who Have Investment Income of More Than $1,900, with the child’s federal tax return.
For more information on this topic, see Publication 929, Tax Rules for Children and Dependents. This booklet and Forms 8615 and 8814 are available at IRS.gov. You may also have them mailed to you by calling 800-TAX-FORM (800-829-3676).
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.
1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelery and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Courtesy of the Old I-HelpDesk & WebReview
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