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Etiquette Tips for __________ (you can fill in the blank)

2013-03-22 by

Ask TaxMama - Money Funnies

GENERAL:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

 

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelery and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Courtesy of the Old I-HelpDesk & WebReview

Your clean humor is welcome!

Read more Money Funnies and Inspiration here:

http://taxmama.com/category/asktaxmama/money-funnies/

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Things Are Not Always What They Seem

2013-02-22 by

Ask TaxMama - Money Funnies

 

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion’s guest room. Instead the they were given a small space in the cold basement. As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied,’Things are not always as they seem.’

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed, where they could have a good night’s rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their ownly cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field. The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older one how he could let that happen? ‘The first family had everything, yet you helped them. This family has nothing and shared all that they had with us and you let their cow die. Why?’

‘Things aren’t always what they seem,’ said the older angel.”

Aaaah…. Here’s the rest of the story…

The older angel explained that when they stayed in the mansion he had noticed there was gold hidden in the hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, the angel sealed the wall so he would never find it.

Then the next night as they slept in the farmer’s bed, the angel of death came for the farmer’s wife. The older angel explained, ‘I simply convinced him to take the cow instead.’

Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don’t turn out the way we think they should. With faith just trust that every outcome has a reason and a bright side.

The reason and its advantage may not be apparent until some time later…if ever.

Courtesy of the old I-Helpdesk & WebReview

Your clean humor is welcome!

Read more Money Funnies and Inspiration here:

http://taxmama.com/category/asktaxmama/money-funnies/

Ask TaxMama
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TaxQuips
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Money Funnies & Inspiration
Where you can find more humor and fun
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Sick Humor

2013-02-15 by

Ask TaxMama - Money Funnies
The patient receives a letter from the hospital describing what will happen when she arrives. She will be assigned her own personal nurse-advocate. One the nurse’s duties will be to mark the location of the surgery on her body. The other is to ensure that the doctors operate on the correct side or limb – i.e. the left foot, not the right one. Another duty is to ensure that at every step of the way, the patient’s ID is checked and re-checked, so they perform the correct procedure on the correct patient. ....now why does this sound so frightening? Do they have a history of making mistakes?

 

Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. “I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say,” asked the nurse. “OOPS!”

 

Before going in for surgery I thought it would be funny if I posted a note on myself telling the surgeon to be careful. After the surgery I found another note on myself. “Anyone know where my cell phone is ????????”

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital. His wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.” Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, “You’re cute.” Startled, she asked him, “What happened to ‘beautiful?’” He replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”

 

Courtesy of Susan Holtgrefe, EA in PA at http://erietaxprep.com/ .

Your clean humor is welcome!

Read more Money Funnies and Inspiration here:

http://taxmama.com/category/asktaxmama/money-funnies/

Ask TaxMama
Where taxes are fun and answers are free
TaxQuips
The number ONE free tax podcast online
Money Funnies
Where you can find more humor and fun
Money Funnies
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Wisdom of the (S)ages

2013-02-08 by

Ask TaxMama - Money Funnies

There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn’t get worse every year.

I am having an out of money experience.

Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Dijon vu—the same mustard as before.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Practice safe eating—always use condiments.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

It’s frustrating when you know all the answers – and nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.

Courtesy of the old I-Helpdesk & WebReview

Your clean humor is welcome!

Read more Money Funnies and Inspiration here:

http://taxmama.com/category/asktaxmama/money-funnies/

Ask TaxMama
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TaxQuips
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Chain Letter Etiquette and Wisdom

2013-02-01 by

Ask TaxMama - Money Funnies

  • Chain Letter Type 1: Make a wish!!!

    No, really, go on and make one!!! Oh please, you’ll never have that much $$! Wish something else!!! Yeah, and you think you’re good looking enough to get in bed with that? Right. STOP!!!! Wasn’t that fun? :) Hope you made a great wish :)

    Now, to make you feel guilty, here’s what I’ll do. First of all, if you don’t send this to 5,096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be ravaged by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It’s true! Because, THIS letter isn’t like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE! Really!

    Here’s how it goes:

    *Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. *Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be annoyed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter. *Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be furious with you forsending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life. *Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be incensed with you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will Toilet Paper your house and throw rotten eggs at your window screens.

    Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

  • Chain Letter Type 2

    Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Bindiaverypoortummyian who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no belly button. This little boy’s life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Bellybuttonless Boy from Bindiaverypoortummyian Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the e-mails sent and this is all a complete load of bull. So go on, reach out.

    Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder – if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will perish instantly.

    Thanks again!!

    The point being? If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you nooky-less or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

    If it’s funny, send it on. Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who’s been tied to dead elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this mail.

    Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your private parts. Really, it’s true!

     

    Courtesy of the old I-Helpdesk & WebReview
    from a chain-smoker

    Your clean humor is welcome!

    Read more Money Funnies and Inspiration here:

    http://taxmama.com/category/asktaxmama/money-funnies/

    Ask TaxMama
    Where taxes are fun and answers are free
    TaxQuips
    The number ONE free tax podcast online
    Money Funnies
    Where you can find more humor and fun
    Money Funnies
    Where you can add your comments, too



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