The Accountant, the Tax Attorney and the Actuary

2013-04-19 by

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An accountant tries horseback riding: Yesterday I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness the Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it.

~~~

An accountant, a tax attorney and an actuary were dining together at a fashionable restaurant.

“With income tax being so complicated, we accountants are all doing quite well these days,” the accountant commented. To prove it, he pulled out a $5 bill, applied a match to it and used it to light his cigar.

“With so many people engaging in tax avoidance and the IRS auditing more wealthy taxpayers , we lawyers are also doing very well these days,” the lawyer mused. To prove his point, he got out a $100 bill, applied a match to it and used it to light his cigar.

“With the new Affordable Care Act, we actuaries are doing even better,” the actuary said. To prove it, he wrote out a check for $1 million, applied a match to it and used it to light his cigar.

~~~

The doorbell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well-dressed kid, saying, “Trick or Treat!” The man asks the kids what he is dressed up like for Halloween. The kid replies, “I’m an IRS agent.” Then he takes 40 percent of the man’s candy, leaves, and doesn’t say thank you.

~~~

Courtesy of Robert E. McKenzie, Attorney at Law www.mckenzielaw.com

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New York City's 28th Annual April Fools' Day Parade

2013-03-29 by

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aprilfoolsparadeenterspark

The 28th Annual April Fools’ Day Parade will begin at Fifth Avenue and 59th Street at 12 noon, Sunday, April 1, 2012. Rain or shine, the parade will march down Fifth Avenue to Washington Square Park for the climactic selection of the King or Queen of Fools from the costumed marching look-alikes.

The New York April Fools’ Day Parade was created in 1986 to remedy a glaring omission in the long list of New York’s ethnic and holiday parades. These events fail to recognize the importance of April 1st, the day designated to commemorate the folly of mankind. In an attempt to bridge this gap and bring people back in touch with their inherent foolishness, the parade annually crowns a King or Queen of Fools from parading look-alikes.


The theme for this year’s parade is “Forget the Big Bang Theory, Let’s Just Go Out With a Big Bang.” The parade blasts off with John Lee Hooker’s hit “Boom Boom Boom Boom.” Grand Marshall Gen. David Petraeus plays lead kazoo with the Up Your Wazoo Marching Band and is joined by N. Korean, Russian, Syrian, Iranian, Israeli and Chinese military processions showing off their big-bang bombs.

Setting the pace for the floats will be Lance Armstrong and his U.S. Postal Service Pro Cycling Team, which will be much slower this year as the team is no longer using performance enhancing drugs. The first float will be the Room Temperature IQ float featuring medical doctor, Rep. Paul Collins Broun, Jr. (R-GA), who says that evolution, embryology and the Big Bang Theory are “lies straight from the pit of Hell;” Arkansas Republican State Legislator John Hubbard, who believes slavery “may actually have been a blessing in disguise” for blacks; Arkansas legislative candidate Charlie Fuqua, who wants to deport all Muslims and establish the death penalty for rebellious children; Televangelist Pat Robertson, who encourages men to become Muslim and relocate to Saudi Arabia so they can legally beat their wives; and Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) who believes “the more you drink, the better you’re able to cope in Washington.” Demand to be on this float was so great this year that participation had to be limited. Next up is the Boy-Scout-Pedophile-Troup-Leaders-Against-Homosexuality protest float, followed by the Zumba Brothel Dance float featuring Alexus Wright and her johns, the GOP sponsored Clint Eastwood Empty Chair float, and the Viagra sponsored Hugh Hefner Marriage float.

Trojan Pleasure Carts will weave through the crowd handing out 10,000 vibrating sex toys. Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Vendors will follow in their footsteps handing out eye glasses that blur vision so attendees won’t have to look at anything they consider immodest.

The marching celebrity look-alikes will include John Sununu and Lil Wayne spewing racial slurs; former AIG CEO Hank Greenberg threatening to sue the government for its generosity; Chuck Norris ushering in 1,000 years of darkness after Obama was re-elected; wannabe senator Geraldo Rivera pleading “Vote for me!”; and biographer Paula Broadwell scoping out anyone who appears at all interested in General Petraeus. Bringing up the rear, and making his final exit, will be the 2012 King of Fools Mitt Romney, triumphant with an overwhelming 47% of the vote from last year’s parade attendees. He’ll be followed by adoring throngs of self-deporting immigrants.

As the parade enters Washington Square Park, the festivities will begin. Food concessions will sell Pink Slime, Horsemeat and Desinewed Meat Burgers; there will be an Artificial Fiscal Cliff where patrons can line up to jump off; a booth offering Free Amish Haircuts and Shaves; a Papal Confessional booth where Pope Benedict XVI will confess to the public about predator priests, BBC presenter Jimmy Savile’s Papal Knighthood, and the Vatican butler, before his sequestration and eternal silence begins; a Demonstration of Fracking in Public Parks will show how the government plans to use wasted open spaces to support energy independence while searching for Jimmy Hoffa’s body. A Celebrity Auction booth will offer a virtual date with Manti Te’o and will sell the Reverend Jessie Jackson Jr’s personal bling collection to help pay back squandered campaign contributions. There will be a XXX Screening of Hulk Hogan having sex with his friend’s wife. And finally, an Ask-a-Scientific-Genius booth where Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-CA) will discuss his belief that dinosaur flatulence might explain historic warming patterns; Rep. Lamar Smith (R-TX), current chair of the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology, who describes environmentalists who warn about the seriousness of climate change “global warming alarmists”; Todd Akin, former Missouri GOP Representative, who believes “if it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” Volunteers will circulate waiting lists for personal surveillance drones and semi automatic assault rifles as well as petitions to make it harder for the elderly, disabled and poor to vote. At sunset, carrying on the theme of the parade, there will be a Ted Nugent Patriotic Fireworks Display.

This year’s parade will be televised by Al Jazeera with guest commentator former Florida Tea Party Congressman Allen West who will amaze the crowd with his talent as an anal ventriloquist. The public is encouraged to participate, in or out of costume, with or without floats, and may join the procession at any point along the parade route. Floats can be no wider than 10’ and no longer than 30’. They can be self-propelled, towed, pushed or pulled. Customized bicycles, tricycles, baby carriages and aerial balloons are welcome. All participants are costumed look-alikes, and the Parade Committee assumes no liability for damages caused by satire. Parade floats and marchers must be at 59th Street and Fifth Ave no later than 11:30 a.m..

We are grateful for the generous support of Goldman Sachs which wishes to express appreciation for having gotten off scot-free after ripping off the public. Other proud sponsors include the Government Services Administration (GSA) offering free champaigne and caviar throughout the park; Chick-fil-A offering free food to gay couples who refuse to patronize the anti-gay restaurant chain; Pizza Hut redeeming themselves after their misguided dare to customers to ask debating presidential candidates if they prefer sausage or pepperoni; and the international cruiseship industry hoping to entice patrons to take their new less toxic and more sanitary virtual cruises.

The King of Fools will be chosen based on the loudest cheers at Washington Square Park. The winner will reign through March 31, 2014.

 

 

Courtesy of Joey Skaggs, Committee Chair AprilFoolsDayParade.com

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Etiquette Tips for __________ (you can fill in the blank)

2013-03-22 by

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GENERAL:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

 

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelery and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Courtesy of the Old I-HelpDesk & WebReview

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Things Are Not Always What They Seem

2013-02-22 by

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Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion’s guest room. Instead the they were given a small space in the cold basement. As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied,’Things are not always as they seem.’

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife. After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed, where they could have a good night’s rest. When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their ownly cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field. The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older one how he could let that happen? ‘The first family had everything, yet you helped them. This family has nothing and shared all that they had with us and you let their cow die. Why?’

‘Things aren’t always what they seem,’ said the older angel.”

Aaaah…. Here’s the rest of the story…

The older angel explained that when they stayed in the mansion he had noticed there was gold hidden in the hole in the wall. Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, the angel sealed the wall so he would never find it.

Then the next night as they slept in the farmer’s bed, the angel of death came for the farmer’s wife. The older angel explained, ‘I simply convinced him to take the cow instead.’

Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don’t turn out the way we think they should. With faith just trust that every outcome has a reason and a bright side.

The reason and its advantage may not be apparent until some time later…if ever.

Courtesy of the old I-Helpdesk & WebReview

Your clean humor is welcome!

Read more Money Funnies and Inspiration here:

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# | Posted in AskTaxMama | Money Funnies | Inspiration



Sick Humor

2013-02-15 by

Ask TaxMama - Money Funnies
The patient receives a letter from the hospital describing what will happen when she arrives. She will be assigned her own personal nurse-advocate. One the nurse’s duties will be to mark the location of the surgery on her body. The other is to ensure that the doctors operate on the correct side or limb – i.e. the left foot, not the right one. Another duty is to ensure that at every step of the way, the patient’s ID is checked and re-checked, so they perform the correct procedure on the correct patient. ....now why does this sound so frightening? Do they have a history of making mistakes?

 

Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. “I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say,” asked the nurse. “OOPS!”

 

Before going in for surgery I thought it would be funny if I posted a note on myself telling the surgeon to be careful. After the surgery I found another note on myself. “Anyone know where my cell phone is ????????”

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital. His wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.” Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, “You’re cute.” Startled, she asked him, “What happened to ‘beautiful?’” He replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”

 

Courtesy of Susan Holtgrefe, EA in PA at http://erietaxprep.com/ .

Your clean humor is welcome!

Read more Money Funnies and Inspiration here:

http://taxmama.com/category/asktaxmama/money-funnies/

Ask TaxMama
Where taxes are fun and answers are free
TaxQuips
The number ONE free tax podcast online
Money Funnies
Where you can find more humor and fun
Money Funnies
Where you can add your comments, too

# | Posted in AskTaxMama | Money Funnies



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