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Happy New Year

2015-12-30 by Eva Rosenberg

Fireworks - Adelaide Skyshow 2010
Today TaxMama® wants to wish you a Happy New Year 2016 – and leave you with these snippets of fun.

 

I was thinking…

...about how the status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can’t afford one so I’m wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

...that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

...about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

...about making a movie for folks my age and call it “Pumping Rust.”

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease … that’s when your chest is falling into your drawers.

You know when people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, “Oh have you got a cat?” Just once I wanted to say, “Nope. It’s for company. Help yourself. Make yourself comfy. Take your time.”

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write A Good Doctor … or 911!

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are you supposed to do, write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

...about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me: they were cramming for their finals.

And remember, you can find answers to all kinds of questions about tax and business issues, free. Where? Where else? At www.TaxMama.com.

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Tax Season Blues

2015-04-15 by Eva Rosenberg

http://www.taxmama.com/art/main/busy.gifToday TaxMama® just wants to bring up a little lightness of being. Today is the day to pay last year’s taxes with the extension; estimated taxes for this year, and the final IRA contribution to reduce last year’s taxes a bit. So…it’s time to sing the blues.

 

 

 

The Post-Tax Filing Blues


I finally filed my tax return.

Through sleepless nights, how my eyes burn.

I dug and searched before I filed.

But let me tell you, I am riled.

I work too hard and pay a ton.

But, hey,…for now, my tax return’s done.

…. is yours?


 

© Eva Rosenberg 2004
And remember, you can find answers to all kinds of questions about paying taxes and other tax and business issues, free. Where? Where else? At www.TaxMama.com.

[Note: If you were subscribed to the e-mailed version of TaxQuips, you’d be getting other exciting news and tips by e-mail, that never appear on the site. Please click on the join TaxMama.com link – it’s free!]

Please post all Comments and Replies in the new TaxQuips Forum .

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Flying High on Puns

2013-07-15 by Eva Rosenberg

1) A plane was coming in for a landing at the Athens airport. As the plane flew was low over some hills , a lady asked the flight attendant: “What’s that stuff on those hills?”

“Just snow,” replied the flight attendant.

“That’s what I thought,” said the lady, “but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece.”

2) An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: “Anyone know the formula for water?”

“Sure. That’s easy,” said one student. It’s H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.”

“What, what?” exclaimed the instructor in bewilderment.

“H to O,” explained the student.

3) A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed: “Please don’t say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can’t swim I’d be disgraced.

“Don’t worry,” the general said. “Your secret is safe. I’d hate to have my men find out I can’t walk on water.”

Courtesy of Marilyn Kirschenbaum, who is keeping me laughing this year

Your clean humor is welcome!

Read more Money Funnies and Inspiration here:

http://taxmama.com/category/asktaxmama/money-funnies/

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The Accountant, the Tax Attorney and the Actuary

2013-04-19 by

Ask TaxMama - Money Funnies

An accountant tries horseback riding: Yesterday I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness the Wal-Mart manager came and unplugged it.

~~~

An accountant, a tax attorney and an actuary were dining together at a fashionable restaurant.

“With income tax being so complicated, we accountants are all doing quite well these days,” the accountant commented. To prove it, he pulled out a $5 bill, applied a match to it and used it to light his cigar.

“With so many people engaging in tax avoidance and the IRS auditing more wealthy taxpayers , we lawyers are also doing very well these days,” the lawyer mused. To prove his point, he got out a $100 bill, applied a match to it and used it to light his cigar.

“With the new Affordable Care Act, we actuaries are doing even better,” the actuary said. To prove it, he wrote out a check for $1 million, applied a match to it and used it to light his cigar.

~~~

The doorbell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well-dressed kid, saying, “Trick or Treat!” The man asks the kids what he is dressed up like for Halloween. The kid replies, “I’m an IRS agent.” Then he takes 40 percent of the man’s candy, leaves, and doesn’t say thank you.

~~~

Courtesy of Robert E. McKenzie, Attorney at Law www.mckenzielaw.com

Your clean humor is welcome!

Read more Money Funnies and Inspiration here:

http://taxmama.com/category/asktaxmama/money-funnies/

Ask TaxMama
Where taxes are fun and answers are free
TaxQuips
The number ONE free tax podcast online
Money Funnies
Where you can find more humor and fun
Money Funnies
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New York City's 28th Annual April Fools' Day Parade

2013-03-29 by

Ask TaxMama - Money Funnies

aprilfoolsparadeenterspark

The 28th Annual April Fools’ Day Parade will begin at Fifth Avenue and 59th Street at 12 noon, Sunday, April 1, 2012. Rain or shine, the parade will march down Fifth Avenue to Washington Square Park for the climactic selection of the King or Queen of Fools from the costumed marching look-alikes.

The New York April Fools’ Day Parade was created in 1986 to remedy a glaring omission in the long list of New York’s ethnic and holiday parades. These events fail to recognize the importance of April 1st, the day designated to commemorate the folly of mankind. In an attempt to bridge this gap and bring people back in touch with their inherent foolishness, the parade annually crowns a King or Queen of Fools from parading look-alikes.


The theme for this year’s parade is “Forget the Big Bang Theory, Let’s Just Go Out With a Big Bang.” The parade blasts off with John Lee Hooker’s hit “Boom Boom Boom Boom.” Grand Marshall Gen. David Petraeus plays lead kazoo with the Up Your Wazoo Marching Band and is joined by N. Korean, Russian, Syrian, Iranian, Israeli and Chinese military processions showing off their big-bang bombs.

Setting the pace for the floats will be Lance Armstrong and his U.S. Postal Service Pro Cycling Team, which will be much slower this year as the team is no longer using performance enhancing drugs. The first float will be the Room Temperature IQ float featuring medical doctor, Rep. Paul Collins Broun, Jr. (R-GA), who says that evolution, embryology and the Big Bang Theory are “lies straight from the pit of Hell;” Arkansas Republican State Legislator John Hubbard, who believes slavery “may actually have been a blessing in disguise” for blacks; Arkansas legislative candidate Charlie Fuqua, who wants to deport all Muslims and establish the death penalty for rebellious children; Televangelist Pat Robertson, who encourages men to become Muslim and relocate to Saudi Arabia so they can legally beat their wives; and Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) who believes “the more you drink, the better you’re able to cope in Washington.” Demand to be on this float was so great this year that participation had to be limited. Next up is the Boy-Scout-Pedophile-Troup-Leaders-Against-Homosexuality protest float, followed by the Zumba Brothel Dance float featuring Alexus Wright and her johns, the GOP sponsored Clint Eastwood Empty Chair float, and the Viagra sponsored Hugh Hefner Marriage float.

Trojan Pleasure Carts will weave through the crowd handing out 10,000 vibrating sex toys. Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Vendors will follow in their footsteps handing out eye glasses that blur vision so attendees won’t have to look at anything they consider immodest.

The marching celebrity look-alikes will include John Sununu and Lil Wayne spewing racial slurs; former AIG CEO Hank Greenberg threatening to sue the government for its generosity; Chuck Norris ushering in 1,000 years of darkness after Obama was re-elected; wannabe senator Geraldo Rivera pleading “Vote for me!”; and biographer Paula Broadwell scoping out anyone who appears at all interested in General Petraeus. Bringing up the rear, and making his final exit, will be the 2012 King of Fools Mitt Romney, triumphant with an overwhelming 47% of the vote from last year’s parade attendees. He’ll be followed by adoring throngs of self-deporting immigrants.

As the parade enters Washington Square Park, the festivities will begin. Food concessions will sell Pink Slime, Horsemeat and Desinewed Meat Burgers; there will be an Artificial Fiscal Cliff where patrons can line up to jump off; a booth offering Free Amish Haircuts and Shaves; a Papal Confessional booth where Pope Benedict XVI will confess to the public about predator priests, BBC presenter Jimmy Savile’s Papal Knighthood, and the Vatican butler, before his sequestration and eternal silence begins; a Demonstration of Fracking in Public Parks will show how the government plans to use wasted open spaces to support energy independence while searching for Jimmy Hoffa’s body. A Celebrity Auction booth will offer a virtual date with Manti Te’o and will sell the Reverend Jessie Jackson Jr’s personal bling collection to help pay back squandered campaign contributions. There will be a XXX Screening of Hulk Hogan having sex with his friend’s wife. And finally, an Ask-a-Scientific-Genius booth where Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-CA) will discuss his belief that dinosaur flatulence might explain historic warming patterns; Rep. Lamar Smith (R-TX), current chair of the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology, who describes environmentalists who warn about the seriousness of climate change “global warming alarmists”; Todd Akin, former Missouri GOP Representative, who believes “if it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” Volunteers will circulate waiting lists for personal surveillance drones and semi automatic assault rifles as well as petitions to make it harder for the elderly, disabled and poor to vote. At sunset, carrying on the theme of the parade, there will be a Ted Nugent Patriotic Fireworks Display.

This year’s parade will be televised by Al Jazeera with guest commentator former Florida Tea Party Congressman Allen West who will amaze the crowd with his talent as an anal ventriloquist. The public is encouraged to participate, in or out of costume, with or without floats, and may join the procession at any point along the parade route. Floats can be no wider than 10’ and no longer than 30’. They can be self-propelled, towed, pushed or pulled. Customized bicycles, tricycles, baby carriages and aerial balloons are welcome. All participants are costumed look-alikes, and the Parade Committee assumes no liability for damages caused by satire. Parade floats and marchers must be at 59th Street and Fifth Ave no later than 11:30 a.m..

We are grateful for the generous support of Goldman Sachs which wishes to express appreciation for having gotten off scot-free after ripping off the public. Other proud sponsors include the Government Services Administration (GSA) offering free champaigne and caviar throughout the park; Chick-fil-A offering free food to gay couples who refuse to patronize the anti-gay restaurant chain; Pizza Hut redeeming themselves after their misguided dare to customers to ask debating presidential candidates if they prefer sausage or pepperoni; and the international cruiseship industry hoping to entice patrons to take their new less toxic and more sanitary virtual cruises.

The King of Fools will be chosen based on the loudest cheers at Washington Square Park. The winner will reign through March 31, 2014.

 

 

Courtesy of Joey Skaggs, Committee Chair AprilFoolsDayParade.com

Your clean humor is welcome!

Read more Money Funnies and Inspiration here:

http://taxmama.com/category/asktaxmama/money-funnies/

Ask TaxMama
Where taxes are fun and answers are free
TaxQuips
The number ONE free tax podcast online
Money Funnies
Where you can find more humor and fun
Money Funnies
Where you can add your comments, too



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